Eye Candy and Kept Men
by AliKat7
Summary: Well someone's got to do it. And Eliot explains why it ain't gonna be him! Team!Fic


A/N - I have no idea where this came from. It just happened. lol Non-beta'ed so all mistakes are mine.

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"While Parker breaks into the vault to get back Mr. Johnston's records, someone is going to have to pose as a couple at the rally so they can create a distraction keeping Blanchard's security busy," Sophie pointed out.

The three men looked at her blankly before a look of horror crossed Nate's face. "But…" he began than closed his mouth quickly. "I'll walk Parker through the building plans from here." He quickly sat down and, lowering his head, studied the floor plans _hard_.

Sophie rolled her eyes and glanced over at Hardison and Eliot. The hacker was typing away on his computer, studying a hole through the screen. Eliot, on the other hand was sitting there, simply waiting. When all eyes turned to him, his clueless expression turned into a horrified, angry one.

"No! No way, no how. Not. Gonna. Happen." He stood up and stormed into the kitchen before pouring himself a cup of coffee.

Parker glanced around the room before her eyes finally rested on Sophie inquisitively. "But if you're going to be with Blanchard and I'll be in the vault, how can someone pose as a couple?"

"Parker…you know that Good as You is an activist group, right?" Sophie prompted. When Parker's expression remained confused, she added, "Good as You is for couples who want to get married and aren't able to because of the laws."

Parker nodded then the silence grew really loud before Hardison snapped, "Gay couples, Parker: men marrying men, women marrying women, gay marriages!"

"Ohhhh!" the thief nodded. After a moment she said, "So someone has to pose as a gay couple. I get it now."

When Sophie's gaze rested on Eliot again, he shook his head curtly. "Ain't happening. Oh, and did I mention, hell no."

Sophie threw her hands up in annoyance. "You're only _pretending_. What's the big deal Eliot? Someone has to do it and it can't be me and Parker," she pointed out.

"You don't have to kiss or anything," Parker smirked.

"Really?" Eliot rolled his eyes at Parker before shaking his head vigorously. "No! You're all missing the point. I'm not gay but if I was, it's _completely_ irrational to think that I would ever be in a relationship with either of them."

"Wait…what?" Hardison jerked his head up and glared at Eliot.

"Excuse me?" Nate tilted his head to the side.

Sophie bit her lip to prevent herself from laughing out loud. This was going to be good.

Turning to Hardison, Eliot shrugged. "Well, I'm way out of your league and Nate's way too old for me."

"Way? Way too old for you? Really? Hmm…" Nate's expression of annoyance was tinged with insult as well.

"Don't get me wrong man, it's nothing personal. I just think if I were gay I'd be with a younger, hot…" Eliot realized way too late that there was no way to finish that sentence that wouldn't be insulting and grew annoyed. "Like I said, no way in hell."

"Seriously?" Hardison leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm younger. I'm hotter. I'd be the eye candy in the relationship, trust me with all your facial scars and frizzy-the-moment-it-feels-moisture-in-the-atmosphere hair. Yeah, I said it. What? Truth hurts, doesn't it?"

"You wanna talk about hurting, son? I'll break you in half," Eliot leaned forward and moved toward Hardison. When the hacker flinched, Eliot smirked. "Eye candy, my ass. Everyone would know you were dating way out of your league and I'd be fighting off advances left and right. It'd be too distracting."

"So you and Hardison? Fine by me. I'll just stay here so I don't miss my early bedtime," Nate muttered under his breath as he pushed back from the table, rose and went towards the kitchen. "Maybe if I'm lucky the Golden Girls will be on tonight."

"See man…I knew you'd get insulted. I said it's nothing personal. But if I go with you, everyone will assume you're my sugar daddy," Eliot tried to explain further but when Sophie burst out laughing he realized once again he had made things worse. Pointing at her, he growled. "You…you started this. You did it on purpose."

"Hell, I'd rather go with Hardison anyway, especially if I'm going to look like a sugar daddy. _You're_ too old to pose as a kept man. Don't be ridiculous," Nate threw out.

"Oh. hell no I'm not. I've been a kept man many times, thank-you-very-much! By rich women, rich _attractive _women and royalty, but you wouldn't know anything about that would you? Hell, even your ex-wife hit on me," Eliot snapped.

Sophie's mouth dropped open and Parker head-palmed.

The next thing the women knew, the three men were all standing up and screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. Before long, Nate stormed upstairs, Eliot slammed out the door, and Hardison withdrew to the other room while muttering something about virtually whooping some ass.

Parker raised her eyes to Sophie's and after a moment she said, "So...who's going as a couple?" The two women burst into laughter until they had tears running down their faces.


End file.
